What they don't tell you before moving abroad...

... is that you will find out "things" about yourself that are not always going to be pleasant. Once thrust into an environment where you will always be out of your comfort zone, you will never be the same again. It is, however, where the spectacular happens.

At la casa del árbol in Baños, Ecuador, October 2016

It's been four years since I moved overseas, to Ecuador. I didn't really realize or understand that I've been here, there that long until the 2018 FIFA World Cup started because it was after the 2014 WC when I officially moved. Crazy. It feels like so much time has passed and not at all, at the same time. One thing that is for certain is the amount of personal growth, change and learning/self-realization I've experienced. At the end of each school year, I've taken the time to reflect on my growth and this one is no different. But in my fourth year I experienced more than the previous three combined.

I've learned to really stand on my own two feet.

I've learned that I need to ask for support, help from others, and that "standing on my own feet" doesn't mean I have to struggle alone.

I've learned that I am both stronger and weaker, at the same time, than I ever fully understood.

Over the last two years, I found myself accepting a lot of additional responsibility in my work and personal life. I started and completed with a 4.00 GPA my M.S. in Education. I produced thousands of pages of developed curriculum and data analysis within my own teaching, to renew my teaching license in Wisconsin. I passed the Chemistry Praxis to gain additional licenses. I was successful and did exemplar work, but something was missing or incomplete. Something.

Graduation from my Masters, June 2018

All this "success" has come with a great deal of sacrifice. I know some of you readers in my personal life and I appreciate the words that are said about my travels. I haven't done so much in two years because of the work I accepted to grow professionally. The sacrifices I made kept me at home, churning away to learn and achieve what I saw as important opportunities (and they are important). I've spent many hours in my apartment alone and often doing (academic) work that I didn't always value. I said "no" to going out with friends, trips to explore new areas, attending events that would have expanded my cultural horizons. And I felt truly alone at several points. In December 2017, I suffered a paralyzing panic attack that lasted a full hour, where my entire body went numb and I could do nothing but lay curled up in a corner and wait for it to pass. It was the first one I had in over a decade, but was ultimately brought on from not taking care of myself physically, mentally, emotionally, socially and spiritually. I found myself neglecting my personal relationships and it just made me feel worse. The more I decided to immerse myself in work, the further I felt from me. A positive feedback loop that was slowly destroying me. As RuPaul Charles would say: I was losing a battle with my inner saboteur.

It was a wakeup call to slow down and focus on my personal needs over those of others. I significantly reduced my use of social media as to not focus on the manufactured-happiness, filtered digital lives that people project. But that's just about it. I stayed focused on the end goal to wrap-up my extended responsibilities and deferred dealing with my inner demons, saboteur until I could devote time and energy to taking appropriate action.

This year, I learned a lot about myself. Every so often, I made dramatic realizations about who I am, why I make certain decisions or take specific actions, and started coming to terms with my past. If anything, this year has been a full-circle moment. One that I couldn't force to happen. One that was going to occur when the moment was right. And one that I can now begin to act upon to improve myself.

Right before my 30th birthday, I setup a time to do a dream session with my friends Kara, Kodi and Carmela. [NOTE: I somehow am drawn to people with 'K' or 'C' names. What's up with that?!] We were instructed to bring a dream that we've had in the past, a recent one if possible. At first, I was going to bring up one I had as a child where I lost 100-0 in a tee-ball game against an entire team of Jackie Robinsons. A couple days before the session, I had a strange and powerful dream that woke me up in tears of confusion and discomfort. It was reminiscent of other dreams I've had in the past where I find myself running out of some manmade structure or environment into the outdoors, but it was nothing like any dream I had previously. During the session, I started to work out what it meant to me but I never quite understood all of it until now.

Like the dream, in my physical life, I have been running away. Closing myself off emotionally. Avoiding the truth. I did that when I made the choice to student teach in Milwaukee rather than an area school around UW-Eau Claire. I did that when I was actively dating people. I did that when I accepted the offer for my current job. But what was I running away from?



Three months ago, I finally came to terms in accepting some rather horrific things I experienced when between 19-22 years old. I kept brushing it off as "being taken advantage of." I decidedly used language to distance myself from naming exactly what happened. I allowed what happened to myself to have control over me, my actions, my thoughts, my perceptions. I allowed it to keep me from being vulnerable with my friends and family. I allowed it to emotionally distance myself after being intimate with others. I allowed myself to use it as a reason to "self-medicate" before social situations and before going to bed. I allowed it to be an excuse for not going in public and living a life filled with fear. I allowed it to keep me from living my best life. The only way I felt powerful and in control was when I put myself into precarious situations. But I am now declaring my liberation from these awful events and my inner saboteur so I can move forward. So I can be myself once again. So I can be safe and secure. So I can be open, honest, and accepting of the parts of myself I do not like. What happened is not my fault and I am finally ready to move on.

You know, I had a premonition about 7 years ago that I would be dead by the time I was 35. I never saw how or why it was going to happen, just that it was. I've said it out loud to people before and the responses were usually harsh. "You can't say that!," is the typical one. Now I understand how and why. This broken, weak side of me is not going to survive and I will be a stronger, better, fully-realized version of myself. I am done running from the past. I am done closing myself off. I am at a point where I can recognize the help and support I need, and confidently ask for it. Because, like going to the gym, I need to exercise my brain to be able to win against my inner saboteur. I am beginning therapy next week so that I can receive the appropriate support in this journey, so I stop running from the people in my life. [NOTE: I am not moving back to the USA any time in the foreseeable future, so please do not misinterpret my words] I promise to be a better son. Brother. Cousin and nephew. Friend. Colleague. Citizen. Human. Had I never left Wisconsin, its quite possible I would've experience a physical death by the time I turned 35.

At a Milwaukee Brewers Game, July 2017

The Basílica del Voto Naciónal, Quito, Ecuador, February 2016

It's only been in the past year where I've felt like a true adult. And what is an adult other than a person of action. You have to take action in your life to get what you want. Despite realizing these horrible, traumatic things that have shaped my adult life until this point, I am feeling more empowered each day.

Getting my most recent tattoo, November 2017

I taught myself about aquariums, and built and aquascaped my very first aquarium.

The custom aquarium I built, June 2018

I've begun gardening on my patio at home almost daily.

The PVC lamp I built to "Summerize" my plants while away, June 2018

I have been teaching myself how to really cook... my favorite thing to make is fresh pasta. I now have a catalogue of recipes that I can pull outta my hat at a moments notice.

Wine Club "Pasta Night", July 2018

I have decided to live the life I want to, accept that it might be scary and take the risk anyway.



This visit back to North America has been such a special one for me where I've had the time to reconnect with friends from high school and college. I've had meaningful time with my parents. It's the wakeup call to recognize the amount of love and support that's always been there for me but I was unwilling to accept completely. What made me realize this is to hear about the lasting influence or impact I've had in their lives, because theirs is equally as much or more on mine. I am not alone; I just need to look up and see the people right in front of me.

Cafe Mosaico, Quito, Ecuador, June 2017

At a Milwaukee Brewers Game, July 2017 

Biking from Quito to Mindo, August 2017

Savoy Inn, January 2018

Cayambe-Coca Ecological Reserve, May 2018

Moving overseas was the best decision I've ever made. So, thank you for appreciating my sharing my travels. You get to see and experience things outside of what would otherwise be "normal." You get to  learn about other cultures. What I appreciate more than anything is that traveling overseas teaches you about yourself and patterns in your own thinking, behavior. You can bet that I am not going to stop anytime soon. Life is only going to continue getting better.

Yoga Retreat, Otavalo, Ecuador, January 2018