The Dirty Thirty

Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. A.A. Milne

Today is the day I am officially thirty years old.

30.

When I originally signed my contract in Ecuador, I knew this major life event would occur. The combination of different factors-- aging, living abroad, traveling, among others-- started me reflecting on a lot in my life. 

"When I was younger," I dread the day I turned 30. It's old. It's an age more likely closer to death than it is to birth. Other people think it is old. You're tied down to a job and you don't have as much freedom to travel and enjoy life. Retirement is about twice the amount of time you've lived at that point. There was a point in time where I was positive I would spend my 30th birthday in bed all day, feeling sorry for myself. My god, I thought some radically incorrect things. Life is just starting. Age = Experience. Age = Self-Efficacy. And I have never had as much freedom to travel in my life than ever before.  

I also spent most of my 20's saying, "I live without regrets," while in fact regretting many things. For example, I was so passionate about the German language and culture growing up, but I held a lot of resentment toward my school/school district because they forced me to choose between language and music/arts. Up until my first year of university, I chose German... and then I stopped choosing it. However, it had always been a lifelong dream and goal of mine to live in Germany. Dropping it after two weeks of university, I felt, was like nailing the coffin. That's just one example. But I spent, again, most of my 20's regretting that I didn't do THIS or I missed out on THAT. At some points, I would just say FUCK IT, LET'S JUST DO SOMETHING! and then not get any support from other people. Por ejemplo, Spring Break one year I wanted to just get-up-and-go... but not alone. I couldn't convince a single friend to commit to traveling so I stayed in Milwaukee, in my apartment the entire time, and felt miserable. These aren't the only incidents... all of them happen exactly the same.

Moving to Ecuador has changed my way of thinking and helped me understand myself better. I still enjoy staying home, but that's maybe because I am slightly agoraphobic. I don't especially enjoy large events or crowded-loud spaces, because I am quite introverted. But I don't feel like I am missing out or that I will regret not "being included" if I don't do something. In fact, I have traveled more, seen more, done more, FELT more in the past 14 months than I did in the previous nine years of my 20's. I mean, it's not about that I am trying to prove that I am doing more... it's that I am much more of a risk-taker and go-getter. This entire experience is helping me get to where I will end up someday. Maybe it will be Germany, and maybe not. However, Ecuador has not only taught me how to stop regretting, but how to slow down, too. I'll make it there one day, pero no tengo mucha prisa. 

I am beyond excited to embark on a new decade of life. This is the beginning of a journey to find my inner self.

Thank you to everyone for being a part of the journey, small or large. Even if I don't like you. Having said that, I am so happy I spent my final day in my 20's climbing a volcano.