If I Ever Feel Better, Remind Me to Spend Some Good Time with You
Over this four day weekend, I kept thinking back to writing something. Oh yeah, I am now in the latter-half a four-day weekend. It wasn't expected, but I fortunately have found ways to take advantage of this time. Particularly for my own mental-health's sake. What got me to begin putting words down was this song came up in shuffle, "If I Ever Feel Better" by Phoenix. Some-thirteen years after the first time I heard it, the song still gets me amped up but the meaning of the words have morphed into something different for me (The title of this post is a segment of the lyrics from the song... to get yourself in the mood or just know what song it sounds like, press PLAY).
No, you do not need to worry about me. Sure, I picked out a particular lyric for my title and also commented on mental health. But I am okay. It's just been a long couple of years of go-go-go and not enough of me really understanding my limits, when to take a break and when to just let go.
"Go-go-go" since that one long trip I took two summers ago. Because after I returned to Quito, I started my "Professional Development Plan" (PDP) to renew my teaching license and also started a Master's program. I admit, yes, I put-off doing my PDP for too long that my license expired. Luckily I got approval to complete it within one year. And I felt like I had to take advantage of the Master's program because it was being offered at a generous discount. For what else was going on, including the start of my tinnitus, it was more than what I should have been handling at the time but I am (was?) too proud to admit that. The vacations that I took as vacations, not stay-at-home-and-work-cations, helped me recharge but it wasn't enough. Because it wasn't sustainable. It's kind of like taking vitamin C to keep from getting a cold; it doesn't really work that way but we do it anyway. Then, last June, I moved into a new apartment and it was the first time living alone since leaving Wisconsin for Ecuador. So I was living alone, focusing too much on work and not enough on myself, and making excuses to skip vacations or "going out" to put too much effort into something I didn't equally value.
However, at the beginning of the school year, I did do myself a little treat. I bought my first aquarium since leaving Wisconsin. I also had a couple of "leftover" guppies from my friend/former-colleague Michelle, and this was an opportunity to give them a proper home. They survived... the ones I purchased for a community didn't. And so the fish returned to school, but my aquarium sat half-filled with water and not a single organism in my apartment. Sometimes I used the LEDs in the lid as a nightlight but not much else. Until February. I brought it to school and started trying to stock it with more fish and I kept failing. While my attempts and eagerness provided me something to focus on, the failures I experienced coupled with my Master's work were like self-imposed shackles as a punishment for not having the autonomy to either take a break or walk away from what I wasn't enjoying. [What made the Master's program challenging was it was exclusively online. I really benefit from some-sorta face-to-face contact. Classes often overlapped, lasted on average 6 weeks, with multiple assignments per week. I could and probably should have dropped it, but I guess I have a Graduate Degree with an overall 4.00 GPA. Whoooooo.]
That isn't to say I was completely miserable, but I found myself going through the motions. There were a lot of times this year where I'd think "I am all by myself, thousands of miles away from home." That seldom happened during my first three years here in Ecuador, but has been regular in the past year. But that "home" isn't my home anymore. And then I start recognizing, as a voluntarily-childless person, that "I will never have that experience people do when they have children and all of a sudden, nothing else matters. So I'll not have this formal transition to reprioritize my life." And that was a major realization for me because I'd struggled and worked hard to get where I am now.
That might have been the lowest point. A figurative death. One that I am feeling more resurrected from each day, little by little. That plus finishing all my work for the Master's program gave me more clarity. It's like this quote of a quote in a book I am currently reading: "Procrastination is our substitute for immortality... we behave as if we have no shortage of time." (Kunkel, 18) Of course the misery I experienced was self-created. And I am not doing myself any good by not doing things for myself.
So I started a super-deep Spring cleaning and began with putting my hands to work at taking care of the place I dare call home. I bought my first power tool, did my first home repairs (pictured below) and started with one of many projects I have for my aquariums (I now keep cherry barbs and cherry shrimp, in addition to the guppies... and likely more species in the near future). And I've have a clear idea for a long-term plan to reach both personal and professional goals. I've got notes written here and there, I just need some more time to enjoy my newly-gained free-time. I'll be writing out the plan soon enough though.
I guess what I am saying is, I finished my Master's program and renewed my teaching license. I am proud that I persevered but learned much more than how to improve my teaching practices. I learned the valuable lesson that I have no time to waste working on things I either do not enjoy and/or are not aligned with my values. I cannot allow myself to let this happen again because it isn't good for me and those around me. I need to listen to my body and follow my limits. And the future does look a whole lot brighter. Thank you to those who stuck by me and tolerated my poor attitude. I appreciate and value you much.
Kunkel, Benjamin. Indecision: a Novel. Random House, 2006.
"Go-go-go" since that one long trip I took two summers ago. Because after I returned to Quito, I started my "Professional Development Plan" (PDP) to renew my teaching license and also started a Master's program. I admit, yes, I put-off doing my PDP for too long that my license expired. Luckily I got approval to complete it within one year. And I felt like I had to take advantage of the Master's program because it was being offered at a generous discount. For what else was going on, including the start of my tinnitus, it was more than what I should have been handling at the time but I am (was?) too proud to admit that. The vacations that I took as vacations, not stay-at-home-and-work-cations, helped me recharge but it wasn't enough. Because it wasn't sustainable. It's kind of like taking vitamin C to keep from getting a cold; it doesn't really work that way but we do it anyway. Then, last June, I moved into a new apartment and it was the first time living alone since leaving Wisconsin for Ecuador. So I was living alone, focusing too much on work and not enough on myself, and making excuses to skip vacations or "going out" to put too much effort into something I didn't equally value.
However, at the beginning of the school year, I did do myself a little treat. I bought my first aquarium since leaving Wisconsin. I also had a couple of "leftover" guppies from my friend/former-colleague Michelle, and this was an opportunity to give them a proper home. They survived... the ones I purchased for a community didn't. And so the fish returned to school, but my aquarium sat half-filled with water and not a single organism in my apartment. Sometimes I used the LEDs in the lid as a nightlight but not much else. Until February. I brought it to school and started trying to stock it with more fish and I kept failing. While my attempts and eagerness provided me something to focus on, the failures I experienced coupled with my Master's work were like self-imposed shackles as a punishment for not having the autonomy to either take a break or walk away from what I wasn't enjoying. [What made the Master's program challenging was it was exclusively online. I really benefit from some-sorta face-to-face contact. Classes often overlapped, lasted on average 6 weeks, with multiple assignments per week. I could and probably should have dropped it, but I guess I have a Graduate Degree with an overall 4.00 GPA. Whoooooo.]
That isn't to say I was completely miserable, but I found myself going through the motions. There were a lot of times this year where I'd think "I am all by myself, thousands of miles away from home." That seldom happened during my first three years here in Ecuador, but has been regular in the past year. But that "home" isn't my home anymore. And then I start recognizing, as a voluntarily-childless person, that "I will never have that experience people do when they have children and all of a sudden, nothing else matters. So I'll not have this formal transition to reprioritize my life." And that was a major realization for me because I'd struggled and worked hard to get where I am now.
That might have been the lowest point. A figurative death. One that I am feeling more resurrected from each day, little by little. That plus finishing all my work for the Master's program gave me more clarity. It's like this quote of a quote in a book I am currently reading: "Procrastination is our substitute for immortality... we behave as if we have no shortage of time." (Kunkel, 18) Of course the misery I experienced was self-created. And I am not doing myself any good by not doing things for myself.
So I started a super-deep Spring cleaning and began with putting my hands to work at taking care of the place I dare call home. I bought my first power tool, did my first home repairs (pictured below) and started with one of many projects I have for my aquariums (I now keep cherry barbs and cherry shrimp, in addition to the guppies... and likely more species in the near future). And I've have a clear idea for a long-term plan to reach both personal and professional goals. I've got notes written here and there, I just need some more time to enjoy my newly-gained free-time. I'll be writing out the plan soon enough though.
I guess what I am saying is, I finished my Master's program and renewed my teaching license. I am proud that I persevered but learned much more than how to improve my teaching practices. I learned the valuable lesson that I have no time to waste working on things I either do not enjoy and/or are not aligned with my values. I cannot allow myself to let this happen again because it isn't good for me and those around me. I need to listen to my body and follow my limits. And the future does look a whole lot brighter. Thank you to those who stuck by me and tolerated my poor attitude. I appreciate and value you much.
Cherry Shrimp
Cherry Barbs
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| Old, broken patio light |
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| New, chic and functioning patio light that I replaced |
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| I turned this.... |
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| ... into this. And I've stepped up my gardening quite a bit, too. |
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