The Start of my Journey

“Stare and see that this is me

And I will be just what I need to believe

That something is what I’m going to be”

--The Rocket Summer, “This is Me” (2003)

The week or two before going back to Milwaukee was the busiest I felt in a long time in Ecuador. It involved paying bills, buying some last minute gifts, packing, and saying goodbye to some people who will forever have a special place in my heart. One of these people being my expert-teacher (among many other things), Italian-American New Jerseyan friend, Carmela.

The past two years in Ecuador become so transformative for me. One of my motivations of becoming an international educator was to find myself and really see if I was meant to be a teacher. I was hoping to travel and see the world. I wanted to discover who I am, and hoped that this major life event would facilitate my personal journey. One year ago, I reflected on this and already felt like I changed so much… this was nothing near what I went through in the year since.

For the longest time, I knew and/or felt I was not living an authentic life. I was holding onto so much hurt, pain, anger. After one year, I thought I was over these sentiments but I wasn't even close. During this second year, I put in some time and work for myself. And while I made significant progress, I was unaware to what extent. Coming back to Milwaukee for one week (because three weeks was too much for me) was a testament to who I have become and where I am going. In all honestly, I was feeling very apprehensive about returning to the states because, while I was excited and anxious to reconnect with my beloved friends and family, I was not ready to return to the environment of my past life.

Around my 30th birthday, I made arrangements to attend a dream workshop held by Carmela with my friends Kara and Kodi (SIDE NOTE: I have a strange penchant for making friends whose names begin with C and K). I was worried though because I used to not remember my dreams very often and I was going to bring with me a recurring dream from my childhood. And then I had this dream… It was so wildly disturbing and made me feel rather uncomfortable, to the point where I was crying when I woke up, crying softly to myself on the bus to work, and I resorted to withdrawing inside for a numberof weeks. It also led to me decreasing my presence on social media, something I think most people can benefit from.

#SorryNotSorry 

#StopPrayingOnFacebook 

#IfYoureNotMovingForward 

#YoureMovingBackward 

#TalkIsCheap 

#DoSomething 

#IfYouDontGetTheJoke

#YouAreTheJoke

Now, crying for me was a rare occurrence. Emphasis on WAS. I took this dream to the workshop, and Carmela helped me with deconstructing the symbols to begin understanding how my internal consciousness was processing and interpreting my external environment, interactions, relationships. This began my spiritual journey, of which I am still beginning. Since then, I’ve begun doing energy work, including with the chakras and will begin looking into ayurveda as soon as I have a chunk of time to devote to it. Anyway, as I began focusing on my own well-being, I felt myself distancing myself from those back in the USA. It was difficult leaving my relationships to stand the test of time, but now I see it was necessary.

My time visiting Wisconsin was wonderful, while stressful. I reconnected with those of whom I had strong relationships with and formed my support system during my life in Wisco. I ran into my favorite student from Tech, Deandre, while I was on my way to the fireworks on the lakefront (and then at the airport while he was working! You are a hard worker, and I am so proud of all your accomplishments. The struggle is what can make us either move forward or backward, and you're moving forward). I enjoyed a night out with my guy friends when I got back. I went to the zoo with two of the smartest people I know, Michelle and Kristy. I spent time with Bonnie and Dave, and their two beautiful children. I had old times with some former coworkers and great friends Emily and Tracy. I got to spend a few hours with my dad and Tina with my aunt Maryless and uncle Ray. Pedis and lunch with my aunt Sarah, followed by a home cooked meal with my mom, Jim, aunt Barb, and old neighbor Ruth. On my final day, I saw the most amount of people including Jason, Anne, Lisa, Hollie, and Brooke. It was truly a special visit even though I was maybe outspoken about what I didn't enjoy about being back (namely the invasive customer service of the USA).

What I came to confirm with this visit is that Milwaukee is no longer my home. It will from now on be a place I come to visit, only to return to my real home after I am finished. Milwaukee was a toxic place for me to live, and moving to Ecuador saved my life. Quite literally. I was led to believe I was not a good person, not smart, not worthy of respect-- all while working in Milwaukee Public Schools, nonetheless. This caused me to engage in really destructive behaviors that would have ended up killing me. I didn't save my money and prepare for a future because I didn't feel I had one. All I was trying to do was survive and I shielded myself from the evils of humanity I faced each day. At least I had one thing going for me which was finding and surrounding myself with intelligent, empathetic people, which ultimately facilitated making the biggest change in my life so far.

In the past year, I have started breaking my shield down and allowing myself to feel, to let go of my anger and pain, and embark on my own “hero’s journey” to begin living a more authentic life. This visit allowed me to reflect on how much progress I have made and realize how much more of the journey I have left. Carmela was instrumental in a lot of this. She always would say “you get it, you just get it,” and I didn't fully understand what she meant until my final morning breakfast with Kristy. And it’s because Kristy was saying all of the same things Carmela was, just in a different way. It is too easy for anyone to say they have changed, but what really matters is whether they put the work in to reach that point **ahem** New Year’s resolutions???

I am no longer the same person I was. I am a better person. I am smart. I am love. I am good. And I will not allow anyone who cannot see this to be a part of my life. So I am reintroducing myself to all of you. I am Greg Smith, and I love to cook and SCUBA dive. I am connected with nature and the world, and I seek experiences that expand my perspective. I have an insatiable appetite for knowledge and learning. I fear less and less the repercussions of standing up for what is right and speaking up when I feel it is the right time to do so. I am beginning to feel comfortable with crying and feeling real emotions, because I am an emotional being and I cannot deny myself this. I wouldn't have been able to start identifying who I am had I not distanced myself from my “former life,” of which I appreciate my friends and family for their unconditional support and love. Being around “you guys” is a testament to how deep and true our relationships are.

Thank you to all of you whom have been a part of my life, whether it is for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. You have played an instrumental part in my life to getting my life on track, and where I could begin this journey.

Before I sign off, I know that many are curious as to what I plan on doing “next.” Firstly, I am going on a six week solo-journey through Perú, Bolivia, Paraguay, and Chile before the new school year commences. After that, I plan on staying in Ecuador, while I work on completing my master’s degree, and relicensing for the state of WIsconsin. After my time in Ecuador is over, I plan to continue teaching internationally, preferably in South America but in a different country. Meanwhile, I will be pursuing my dive instructor certification so I can continue traipsing the globe to different countries during my “summer breaks” to teach others how to SCUBA dive. I hope some of you remain in my life along this journey and have an opportunity to visit me in my home, wherever I may end up.

Besos y abrazos. Hasta pronto.